Like coming home…
I stopped in at my blog today after two solid weeks away from it. Sadly, I actually had to pause and think about my password! 🙂 Obviously there are just too many passwords in my life.
Despite it being a little dusty in here, and in need of a good airing out, coming back to my blog felt like coming home again. It is a place that I have laid myself bare over the last 14 months, exposing my fears, admitting my weaknesses, tooting my horn when I found a victory. Two weeks away may seem like a mere respite to some, but deep down I felt ungrounded without it.
No one kept me from it except myself. And believe me, it was not an intentional decision.
I have felt more hopeful these last two weeks. A visit to my doctor and a minor meltdown in her presence brought about a solid game plan for regaining my joy and my motivation. The goal is to shed the dark clouds I have been cowering under these last six months or so. It may not have shown on the outside, but the clouds were growing darker and stormier by the day.
We have tweaked my medication and after a minor battle with the insurance company, we have convinced them that the generic they automatically switched me to last year just isn’t doing the job. My doctor also ordered a full lab workup and I meet with her again next week to go over the results.
In the meantime, she has urged me to move daily – not focusing on losing pounds, but emphasizing getting those endorphins flowing. My husband has been instrumental in helping me with this and has helped me find the gym in our basement again and has reintroduced me to my old nemesis, the medicine ball. (He works out frequently but despite it only being one flight away, I somehow manage to completely overlook the gym equipment for months at a time!)
I have also curbed my carbs. Ok, I started to curb my carbs. I have been eating a lot more veggies and fruit and not so many chips and cookies. I have not had white pasta or white rice in over a week! 🙂
I am also supposed to write daily – not for the blog, not for the book, but just for me. Why is that the hardest thing to do!? I have a pile of blank books I have accumulated over the years (for more info on this, check out my post about my addiction to school supplies!). I have pens in every color of the rainbow, a Mac I LOVE, everything I could possibly need to “just write” and yet, I don’t. The one thing that I have loved for as long as I can remember (aside from my husband, cats and books, of course!) and I can’t seem to turn to it when I need it most. Maybe that is why I stayed away from my blog… I felt guilty (that old guilt again!) blogging when I couldn’t bring myself to do my other “assignment” of just writing. (Yes, I am weird that way.)
So, the number on the scale hasn’t moved – not that I expected it to in a week- but, I do feel more optimistic. I don’t think the switch in meds would have this quick a turnaround. I think the shift in outlook comes from seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Three weeks ago, I was in a pit with no rope in sight. Now, as simple as the directions were, my doctor and I have a game plan. Eat healthier, move daily, write. Focusing on these small steps gives me a lifeline and there is a tiny light shining into the pit now.
My vacation from the pursuit of publication is still enforce. It will not be forever, I promise. I still mull over names for our publishing company and note edits I want to make on the book. But I have put all of the vast amounts of data on the book making industry that I have accumulated in the last six months on the shelf for a little bit longer.
Thanks to my blog friends who are sticking with me! I will try not to disappear again for weeks at a time. 🙂