I’m Dancing as Fast as I Can
If you look up the word “shuffle,” you find the expected definitions – dragging your feet as you walk, rearranging a deck of cards… But what I didn’t expect to find was a type of dance. I kind of like the sound of that.
I have had many projects going over the last few years, a lot of balls to juggle. And December and January have found me depleted. I have been burned out, unmotivated and just flailing around a bit with no set path.
Many artists and writers or even go-getters in the world of business would panic to feel that untethered feeling. When you let your eyes move from the prize and you suddenly feel yourself pulled in a different direction, even for a moment, it can be unnerving. We focus so hard on the task at hand, taking tiny incremental steps and checking off our to-do lists that to suddenly stop leaves us feeling too loose, too free, too unsteady.
This is where I am at the moment.
The big prize is of course seeing my first novel published. That will happen this year. But it won’t happen this month as I had originally been hoping. Problems with the cover and the gargantuan task of formatting are still being sorted out and have delayed Book Day for a bit.
Because of the sudden lull in the self-publishing race, I found myself listlessly drifting through other pastimes and projects, unable to focus on any of them. I kept blaming the holidays, seasonal depression, general malaise, but truthfully, I had become unmoored from the singular prize that I had been aiming for all these months and years. And that left me adrift.
I have decided to embrace it instead of fight it.
I have other projects that I had on tap for this year – another certification class and exam for my day job, learning to knit, learning to free-motion quilt, working on my second book. But those were all planned to follow Book Day. Now that the publication has been pushed back, I am feeling a little stressed because it will now fall more in the late summer when I had other projects mentally scheduled to take place.
Despite all my efforts to prove the contrary, I can’t do it all. At least not all at once. So, I am going to shuffle my projects and my personal deadlines and rearrange things a bit. The class will be starting shortly; the exam will be done and hopefully behind me before the final formatting push and marketing takes place; and Book Day will be later in the year.
When I first made these decisions, I felt like a failure. All that work last year and I couldn’t bring this dream to fruition. But I am learning as I get older that forgiving myself and cutting myself a break is an important ability to cultivate. I’m working on it. 🙂
As I cruise through the next four months, I will continue to post regularly. I learned during the last two classes that cutting myself adrift from this blog does nasty things to my psyche! I only ask that you, my readers, indulge me and allow for the occasional flashback to an earlier post. I won’t do this often, but if I find myself in a crunch, I may repost something that I feel is particularly strong or inspiring.
Thank you all for continuing to support and follow me! It’s the reason I show up! 🙂